Define Me?

Nervous

What does it mean to be a woman?

       I ask myself every day. Does it mean that I’m required to put concealer on every morning; concealing the number of hours I stayed awake, unable to fall asleep? Does it mean I can choose to dress conservative today with my long black shirt and loose fitting pants. Does it mean I can dress sexy tomorrow with my cleavage-bearing scoop neck neon shirt and mini skirt. Does being a woman mean ‘it’s okay if you can’t park parallel’ just bat your eyes and smile sheepishly? Is being silently rated by bystanders on a scale of 1 through 10 on a ‘hotness’ scale in the job description? – because I can do without it. Does being a woman mean I’m less of a human to man? – because I don’t remember too many women in History class. Does being a woman mean my discoveries will be overshadowed by those of a man? – because Rosalind Franklin only makes me feel nervous. I’m on edge because it’s not the same playing field little girls and boys are introduced to. I’m anxious because I constantly think of how I would explain the role of a woman and man to my possible future child/ren. I’m nervous, because what I see and hear outrage me on a daily, even hourly, basis. Why can’t we see only words and actions, and let physical appearance be an afterthought?

      What does being a woman mean to me? It means I’m human. I make mistakes, but I get back on my feet when I fall. I try to make the world a better place by being a better person than I was yesterday. It means I’ve had rough days, but I acknowledge other people and their problems, and respect them undoubtedly. I try to listen more than I speak, and to compliment more than I criticize. Being a woman means I try. Is that different than from being a man? I don’t think so. What I put on my face does not define me. What I wear does not define me. What my name is does not define me. My actions and words, these are what define me.

And if you still do not understand, that makes me nervous.

Welcome and Goodbye

I haven’t seen Loneliness in a while.

I used to spend hours on end by myself in a large house.

Days went by like seconds

Weeks seemed like minutes

The months I remember as long hours

but recently, I was free from the loneliness,

and it felt good.

I wanted to be rid of the poison I felt inside of me, eating at my core,

emptiness living inside, me but a mere host,

a victim to its dark days and trembling nights.

 

All things must end, to begin again.

So when I was put back into my stable environment,

where I was sad and lost and alone,

how can I not feel empty?

how can I not be lonely?

Emptiness entered first, a knot in my stomach and a tightening at my throat –

these are the welcoming signs of my old friend, Emptiness.

Yes, friend, for at one point I was very fond of Emptiness.

Loneliness soon followed, with my body going limp and tears gliding down my cheeks.

With Loneliness, Emptiness almost always joins. But Emptiness often visits without Loneliness.

They don’t ever ask my permission to enter,

for I’ve welcomed them inside far too much for them to feel like strangers now.

 

It feels alien, it feels real

like I am made of jell-o and sticks.

I feel the emptiness

although it is a void,

nothingness of space,

hallow abyss,

yet I am in contact with the emptiness.

I feel it.

Like it ignores my outside, it opens the door and welcomes itself in

like it belongs in me.

like it knows me.

like it is me.

I close my eyes.

I feel it.

I feel empty.

I am empty-

I am lonely

To Whom It May Concern:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing you this letter due to my concern for not only my future, but the wellbeing of the world we share. You see, the future of the world has a direct relationship with how I live my life. If I die tomorrow, I may pain the world by not curing the rare disease I might have if I lived to 45, or not saving a dozen children in Kenya while rescuing the population of cheetahs. So, you can basically say I’m going to be a really important person.

Now, why is it, Sir/Madam that I am going through the misfortune that I am now? For the past two months, I have been more depressed than the last five years put together. I’m sure you could have found another family to torment. However, you settled down with the idea that our lives needed some shaking up. You decided this, and at the expense of a human life. The human life you have crushed, shattered, broken, bruised, and killed was my mother. For that, I will never forgive you.

You don’t deserve forgiveness. I doubt you even understand pain. With no evidence, I believe you to have a dysfunctional nervous system. You can’t feel pain, if you did then the things you do on a daily basis would shatter your mind and soul. Do you even have a soul? Or are you just an emotionless nobody that feels no pain, following orders. I wonder if your boss understands pain. But that’s a discussion for another time.

I apologize if I became a little aggressive. I know your lack of feelings would not be affected by this, yet still I prefer professionalism.

What I want to talk about is my future, since this will affect our relationship directly. Due to you being responsible for the loss of the person I relied upon for happiness, you alone must fix the situation I am in. I no longer can feel this way if I am to function in life. You see, Death, you brought nothing but emptiness into my life and I deserve some compensation for it. Really, it’s the least you could do.

Yours truly,

Lost & Not Yet Found

 

Toxin Within

Problems upon problems and all I can do is hold it in.

I can’t express these woes; I thought I had thicker skin.

Desolate soul, land of the barren.

Party of one; is it completion I’m yearning?

I’ll keep holding on, though, with my high tolerance for patience.

They ask me what’s wrong, but I don’t have the energy.

My tears are forcing themselves out, I hope they don’t see.

To tell you what’s wrong is not as easy as it seems,

I can’t bring about world peace or define gravity.

Caring is enough, don’t worry about me

To escape for a moment, though,

Let’s see where it goes

So light-headed

I can’t even talk

or type a legible sentence,

maybe I’m not feeling anything.

Floating on my seat

tactile system on hold

body high on toxin.

Is it worth it?

But I’m feeling good,

because good feels like nothing.

Problems on hold,

even if for a moment.

Sensory system back

to homeostasis now.

What is all this noise

pollution?

To escape from the now

and why and what and how.

To be engulfed in flames

and forget your own name.

Do you ever feel the same?

I make my own sins.

Problems upon problems, this is me not holding it in.

Chasing Equilibrium

As night begins to creep up earlier in the day

I begin to lose myself to my mind, fading out of place.

Ideas of transmigration and the soul take its course.

To live or to never have lived, what would be worse?

Getting wrapped up in things that don’t make sense,

I’m not the only one who sees reality as a mirage of dents.

I’m smirking as I look into the dark sea of hope.

My future is less unbeknownst; he said my eyes have begun to glow.

I’m content with where I’m at, but my ambition still grows.

I won’t stop achieving, happiness is complex – an unstable continuum.

Human beings did not evolve to be restricted in one medium.

My journey is never-ending, chasing a state of mind – equilibrium.

Falling Away From Me

Combustion in my stomach

being lost in my own mind.

Falling through a dark tunnel,

no bright ray in pure daylight.

Negativity overtaking the depths of my being

…letting go of my ambition

…losing the essence of who I am

…always finding someone or something to blame.

Nightmares instead of dreams

of monsters, unable to scream.

The darkness eating at my soul

I try to kick, but I’m losing control.

Falling with nothing to hold onto

…nothing but fire engulfing me

…abundant flames, I can’t see

…this isn’t who I want to be.

I want to leave, someone untie my chains, set me free.

I miss carefree days and exciting nights.

The adventure of meeting new people, and a tropical breeze.

Cease the moment they say, but how can I with fallen dreams?

The voices are calling

From the depths of abyss

I keep falling

away

from

bliss.

Forgotten Fear

Love songs of the departed

or recently apart-ed from,

I’d rather write about my fear of soon being forgotten.

Born to die, less and less we question why and how we’re here.

Victims of simple ignorance, bliss is nice when you’re right near.

But I’m a realist, a logical thinker of this complicated world.

Nothing is simple, if it were there would not be the absurd.

Strange is normal when you acknowledge all to be true,

one step towards the front door and another for a cure

from this thing called limits. The only restrictions are the ones you submit to.

I won’t be a prisoner of my own mind; I see the truth in all that I do.

Right and wrong are words that misconstrue our perception.

Humanity is not that simple, we must see between dimensions

of our minds. Look within yourself, if you and I switched places maybe then could you understand.

I only seek to know truth. When you give yourself to truth can life’s perspective come into place.

Many faces, but yours is the one my mind can never replace.

Will you remember me when I’m long gone, with no physical trace?

I daydream of my thoughts and ideas being passed on for generations;

every human deserves to speak up regardless of their nation.

In the end, does it matter where you were born or die?

No, only the mark you leave behind, will your whole nation cry?

So many influential people to have inhabited our world, is there a decline?

Am I naïve to believe I can change the future of our times?

If I could speak to one person’s mind, that would be most honorable of a win.

I can then die peacefully, knowing I won’t be forgotten.

Pangaea’s Rant

Pacifist of a nation with no limits

You say you don’t like war but can you live with it?

Knowing that who run you send our people to a no-return summit

Yes, they return, but mentally drained in and of this government

The people with minds far beyond feasible comprehension

Neglected because their vision of a peaceful future is too radical to possibly function

Say the people who care more about how much is in their pockets than our constitution

Nothing is working in our nation, increased migration because of this inflation

Emphasis on dietary health while our mental health is in decline

“Oh, you’re not depressed dear, you’ll be fine”

A society of children whose parents are blind

To the fact we shouldn’t stand separated, but aligned

Only together can we find a solution for this pollution invading our brains

No one caring about debating if the statistics they’re feeding us is misconstrued, who cares

So many people dying in Syria for speaking their minds, then by the government slain

So many children in Africa orphaned because their parents are still dying of AIDS because the world profits more from bought medication than vindication as to how a virus can spread

Lebanese refugee camps trying to flourish but no child is nourished when education comes second to survival. It’s primeval.

But “Go Green” you say, at least we can save our environment. While you sip on that Spiced Pumpkin Latte at Starbucks, ignorant to the fact the carton in between your hands is made from that organism that gives you the air you breathe. Yeah, trees, dumbass.

The injustices and feigned tolerance for life has left me irate

I may seem mellow and “chill” but that’s because I can’t hate

on why they do what they do, as a psychologist you’re taught to understand the antecedent of a person’s behavior. It’s in our nature.

See, we’re trying to save the trees, but recycling is their way of shutting us up so we think we’re doing something productive

Deforestation is in incline so that you can stand in line at Macy’s and buy the new Michael Kors perfume and symbolically sign you’re doing fine in this economy. But you’re not. With a higher education you can’t even find a decent job. You’re behind on rent, credit card bills are in excess, and you still haven’t finished paying off your student debts.

See, you’ve fallen victim to this endless system. Isn’t it so easy to blame the government? But how can we blame the government when the government are all individuals. Individuals who take the torch from their predecessors. Ask your professors, this has been going on since humans first thrived. At the end of the day, we’re animals who need to survive. But we’ve evolved. We are supposedly more conscious and aware than ever before. If it’s true, then can we not shut the door on a more peaceful world? I want to believe we have the capacity to end unhappiness drastically on this entire planet, see, I want a president who fights for what’s right and not for what the next country over or the next door neighbor will say. What do you say? Can you say what’s on your mind next time a friend asks you what’s up? Chances are, if you do, they probably feel the same way. And if at least more than one person feels a certain way, isn’t it worth acknowledgment and consent from the government to go through with monumental change? Man, I’m drained.